The Past is Daunting

I have been struggling with the past in the previous weeks...it always seems to happen when I am celebrating milestones, and on the 17th of December I celebrated four years sobriety. I think it must be something with reminiscing about the past, I am always just left in awe and amazed by the transformational work Christ has done in me. This year however is very different, I am not recalling events from the past which bring up certain feelings and emotions. I fought this for the first couple years of my sobriety and quickly learned to rebuke these feelings and take ownership of the power of Christ in me which releases me from the burden of the past.  Whats different this year, is that my thoughts and feelings seemed to be more collectively focused on certain people from the past rather than events and situations.


This new development has left me seeking God through prayer and meditation trying to gain understanding of what this may mean, and what action is needed on my part. Its odd, but I get a sense that it may be an indication that it is time to possibly reach out to these "freinds" and reconnect with them. I know that there are a few ammends still left to be made to a couple of these individuals so maybe an opportune time will present itself soon. So, eventhough I am optimistic about the opportunities that are soon to come, I am also apprehensive about the kinds of things within that will be stirred up. However, I know that Christ has brought me to where I am in life with all my past experiences and present experiences building me up in the faith enabling me to more efficiently minister and have an effect on those in my sphere of influence.


 Up to now I have pretty much disconnected from the past and surrounded myself with people strong in the faith and strong in recovery...I guess you could say "running with the pack". I know also that this in not excatly the calling of a Christian, we are to build one another up, love one another, and sing praises together; at the same point however it is not the healthy that are in need of a physician. I see this present stirring of feelings as a sort of nudge to get out in the community and let the light of what Jesus has done in my life shine onto those who are in the darkness. People I truly love and care about, ones who my heart utterly breaks for because I know all to well the struggles and toils they face in life. I think that I had to have the last four years the way they were so that Jesus could take me and form me into the man he needs me to be, now it is time to step out and share this with others. I love the Christian walk and the walk of recovery, with every season of life comes an opportunity to grow and an opportunity to branch out.

Honesty, Openess & Willingness: Part Two Honesty With Others

Honesty with others...I love this part! For me it was such a freeing experience to know that my past, what others might think of me and my own personal image no longer define me. Today it is my faith in Jesus Christ that truly sets me fee from these things, I realize today that my weaknesses and strengths all come from how he created me. I no longer have to fit in this framework of what the world tells me I should be, what I should have, or what I should think. Its just to hard just to much maitenance, no matter what expectation I try to live to or what next best thing I try it all fails me.  I have found that when I can embrace who I am in Christ and how he created me to be I am the most service to him and my fellow brother and sister.

Today I really try to remember that my past life of drinking, drugging, partying, etc...is not what makes me who I am today nor does it dictate to me the kind of future I have in front of me. My past is for Jesus a tool for me to relate to and have empathy for the person who is also in the same spot. My colorful past is just a testimony to how the love, grace and salvation that comes from the gospel changes the worst of sinners heart righting them on a path of life they never thought imaginable. I share my past openly and honestly today with anyone, I have found that it not only releases any power those things have over me but it also leads to people feeling comfortable enough to share about victories and obstacles in their lives as well. It creates a transparency with another person that allows me to take the relationship to a whole other level of openness.

Perhaps the hardest part of openness with others for me is the whole admitting when I'm wrong or struggling part. My pride and ego hate this, but its a good thing to be humbled and I have pretty much gotten comfortable being in the humbled state, I am not saying that to brag but because it feels like I have to apologize quite a bit. See, I have a brain, and I have a mouth and sometimes the filter between the two doesn't work fast enough. I often find myself apologizing for saying something I probably shouldn't have, usually the other party is like what are you talking about? But I gotta share whats on my heart...I do not like carrying that stuff around in there...it sucks! I gotta get it off my chest, pray for forgiveness and awareness and keep moving forward. Now not only do I have to admit when I am wrong but I have to also admit when my butt is falling off onto the ground, for me this doesn't just mean struggling with some aspect of life but I have to let people know when I feel hurt or feel upset. Again for me these things tear me up inside and if I don't handle them properly they lead to me dwelling and constantly thinking about them which then leads to resentment. The same is true with struggling, if something has got me down I am quick to offload it first to Jesus and then to someone else in my network of friends and family. It releases all power its holding on within me and I keep moving forward...sometimes I am back in prayer or on the phone again in an hour but I just cant hold onto that stuff...its spiritually draining.

Anyway thats my experience with openness with others, I thank God for the relationships I have today which the other person and I share this kind of openness. I really think that it was how God designed them to be and in the middle of them is a deep relationship that is beneficial to both persons. I Love It!

Honesty, Openess & Willingness: Part One Honesty With God.

It is said in the rooms of AA and CR all the time and I really believe that they are a key to sobriety and even life in general. I have been away from the keyboard lately...wedding planning is crazy! Not to mention life is really good right now and I rejoice in that because so often the hard times are all we talk about but the good times should be celebrated also. In the next couple of blogs I will spell out what this statement means to me one word at a time, and hopefully at the end there will be a beautiful set of three well written and thought out bloggs that may be a point of experience, strength and hope for another person. Ha! Okay just the experience, strength and hope part then! I think I will start off with honesty.

Rigorous honesty with God, myself and my fellows is the only way that I can be happy in sobriety and in life in general for that matter. I have tried living a life full of lies and have found that it was completly exhausting and a terrible burden no one should have to bear. This was the first thing Jesus addressed in my life after turning to him. His truths that I read in the Bible were like a searchlight to my soul revealing all the lies I had bought into, this continues still everyday. I find myself today just as I was three years ago as a new believer in Christ constantly going to Christ seeking his forgiveness. Martin Luther said a Christians life is one of repentance, I think this is absolutely correct and it is the path in which I open myself up to God in honesty. Im not repenting because I broke some rule but because I realize that I am in no way perfect and that I am costantly dealing with issues related to my pride, ego, anger, etc...etc...Its in this honesty with God that I am built up in faith because I feel and know that he is a God of grace and he casts my sin as far as the East is from the West so that its shame and guilt well not be there to pull me down. This in turn builds my faith and the reassurance in knowing that I can live in this world but not be conformed I am only formed by my relationship with Christ. This is the freedom I gain in walking honestly with Christ, its foolish to think that I can hide anything from him anyway but in doing so I am also carrying the burden of that lie with no one to give it to which gives all the power and control to that one lie and no worldly power can relieve me from that, forgiveness and rightousness only comes from Christ.

By His Grace

What a great Christmas! Its a crazy time of the year, this year was especially crazy for me as I got the blessing to be able to spend it with my fiancee and step son as well as her family. I have been meaning to get on and blogg for quite sometime now but just havent gotten the opportunity. I am happy to finally be back at the keyboard to report that on the 17th of Decmber I celebrated three years of sobriety. Sobriety birthdays are always fun and for me the whole month surrounding them is just kind of a rollercoaster filled with thankfulness, gratitude and deep reflection. So...throw this in with the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ who is the only reason I am where I am, it makes for one humbling gratitude filled month! Its crazy to look at where I was just three years ago and where I am now thanks to Jesus and his work on the cross and in me.

Its always easy for me to remember that Christmas season three years ago and I never want to, because it always humbles and fills me with faith and love for Jesus. I was arrested on the 17th for my fourth DUI, bailed out on the 19th, then had to immediately go turn myself in on a probation violation in another county, g to court the next morning then get bailed out for that. so by the 20th of December I was out of jail until my hearings. I was so fearful, so hopeless, I remember celebrating Christmas...if you want to call it that. I was in a deep depression, full of despair and fear not really wanting to leave the house as I tried to figure out what a life without alcohol looked like. I just remember stting with my family not really knowing when I would spend Christmas with them again.

These feelings went on for the next five months until I found myself in a jail cell with a Holy Bible in my hands seeking anything that resembled an answer. It was when my heart was in that condition when my mind was filled with nothing but lies was my soul awakened to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Truth came beaming in and permeating everything I did...I was being transformed just as I am today. I was with my family the very next Christmas rejoicing and celebrating in the glory of Christ coming to die for us so that we, so that I may know life away from the bondage of sin and lies.

Fellowship: Part II

Well fellowship again has been on my heart over the past few weeks and I figured that meant it would be a good time to wrap up my thoughts on fellowship. Its probably about time because the topic has been left open for a month or so now, not that people are nit hanging on the edge of their seat to get it because I think only five people read this. Which is perfectly fine by me, I started the blog simply because it was on my heart for a long time, until one day I acted on it and now three months later hear I am. Pretty cool, anyways I should probably get on topic here. Fellowship, over the past few weeks it has been amazing to me to think about how much fellowship means to me and how it has gradually and sometimes suddenly changed my life. As you will read in Fellowship I my whole idea of fellowship was based around partying and belonging. I didnt want anyone too close I always kept them at a arms distance never opening up who I really was for fear of failure or rejection.

Today I see fellowship as a much more different thing...I love being in the rooms of A.A. or C.R. and seeing new comers or people who ask for help being swarmed after meetings by smiling faces and open arms. A place where true relation happens, hopefully this happens not because the person offering feels obligated or is forcing it but because there is a understanding or apathy for where that person is, because they have been there worked through it and came through stronger with more understanding.  I truly believe that these things are the scars and thorns we have to be willing to share and open up about to others to show the glory of Christ's work within us. This is why personal testimonies are so powerful, we can relate to and meet these people sharing about their lives exactly where they are. We can share with them about those emotions that they are feeling during those really hard moments because we have those emotions and feelings too! Yet they have overcomed and have actually come to terms enough with their past to be able to share about it in hopes that another wont walk down their road. I see this everyday in the rooms of A.A. and C.R. and what it creates is a breeding ground for fellowsip to happen and be facilitated. There is true beauty in seeing someone who is broken and beatdown realize that they are not alone and in fact many others struggle with the exact very same thing and have moved on from it...being able to see someone who has what we have and be willing to do what we have to do to get it. The first step: Realizing that I have a problem.

I have a big problem and the problem is me. It truly is a miracle of God that I am where I am today because in all honesty I should have died quite a few times in my life. I had problems, problems I thought were mine and only mine, well thats not true they are God's all God's because he has taken a life full of darkness, sadness and despair and shone a light and given a reason and a will to live within me. Part of life for me now is living like an open book, I have to admit my mistakes, when I am wrong and quickly make ammends to those I have hurt. Not only do I do these things but I also stay open about my past and where I have been because I believe that fellowship with another human being begins with honesty and relation. These things cannot happen without me being willing to share who I am....who I really am with another human being. As a Christian, sober person, recovery person, it is in these times when I do the aformentioned things I feel God's transformative work in my life being used to bless another paerson...Its amazing!!

So Much to be Thankful For!

I love Thanksgiving, it is probably my favorite holiday because of the simple fact that it is based off of gratitude. Its not selfish...besides stuffing your face, its not commercialized and it is simply families getting together to enjoy one another and eat some great food. For me personally I love how the holiday always sends me internal reflecting on all the things I am grateful for in my life.

I am thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, his whole life dedicated in his love for us so that we may know life and life eternal with him. I am thankful that not only has he saved my life, but he is also transforming it daily, shaping and molding me into a man fit to serve him and those around me. I am thankful that God has given us things like the Word, prayer and fellowship, all vital to my spirtual formation, the building of Faith, and understanding of Him and his ways. The past three years of walking with Him has been the most amazing, crazy thing ever and I look forward to a future of serving and loving Him.

I am extremly thankful this year for being blessed in finding a wife!! I am so thankful for my fiancee, she is an amazing woman who has stepped into my life and captivated my heart! Her love is amazing and I am so thankful that I am a the man who gets to experience that, it truly is a blessing. I love how being with her pushes me to want to be a better man, to move forward spiritually, to open my mind to other things. She challenges me and I love it, Christ is clearly using her to grow me and I hope I have the same effect on her. I am thankful for her son and my soon to be step son Andrew. It is amazing what a grown man can learn from an 8-year old boy, he has shown me soo much, specifically on what it means to love unselfishly. He has brought much joy in my life and oddly enough its the little things that have the largest impact on me. It is my hope and prayer that I will be a good man for him in the future and a good example of a spiritual man.

Lastly but not anywhere near the end of my thankful list is family and freinds. There is no question that I would not be where I am today had I not been blessed with the family I have. My mother and father have supported me through amazingly dark times in my life, when I couldnt even believe in myself they did. They continue to support me today and I know I can go to the with anything and they would be there for me, that is truly a great feeling. I am thankful for my brother and sister in law, my brother showed me what it means to be a man, to work hard, to be a good husband and father. He is truly a great man and he and his wife put up with me for quite awhile and I am thankful they loved me through it. I am thankful for all my family they are great people who I love very much, who believe in me even when I cant. Also, for my niece and nephew who prayed for me long before I knew the Lord, it worked! I am thankful for y sister because she is an awesome woman!

There is much to be thankful for in my life, it has gone through a reconstructive surgery the past three years, it truly is amazing. I am thankful that Christ is there and working when we cant even see or detect him because I have found that he has been working a mighty thing through subtle variances in my life and for that I am thankful. 

F.E.A.R

Face Everything And Recover, I heard this the other day at my home metting of Alcoholics Anoynomous for the first time ever since being in the rooms of alcoholics anoynomous. Of course I have heard many other acronyms for the great feeling/reaction of fear, one that I used to live my life by is Forget Everything And Run. Fear or my lack of ability to handle it properly played a huge role in my life and continues to be a huge part of my spiritual formation today. When I was drinking and in the depths of my alcoholism fear is what drived my  lack of motivation to try and help myself. When I was drinking I was fearless, alcohol allowed me to escape from my fellings of worthlessness, low esteem, shame and guilt, into another realm of existence where I did not have those things pulling me down. In a sense I had a fear of my feelings, I had no clue how to manage my own feelings in a natural beneficial way, the only way I knew to handle them was to get wasted. So as you can imagine this made it very difficult for me to succeed in trying to stay sober on my own accord. Everytime I tried to get sober the feelings would just come crashing back in, all the fearful thoughts like "what if I am alone?", "what if I cant mix with a non alcoholic crowd?", "what if I fail again? Just like I always do?", What if someone finds out about my past?" These and a million other thoughts and fears would come crashing in causing me to run straight back to the party life in order to escape my fears yet again. After the cycle repeated itself again and again I thought it futile to even try and fight and figured I had been doomed to this life I had chosen for myself.

This was as far from the truth as could be and in fact it was at this low spot in my life that for the first time in my life I was at a place where I realized I was completely powerless over my ability to do the right thing. This is where God needed me to be in order that I may fully trust him and his work in my life...It was like in the movies where the hero comes in and says, "If you want to live, come with me." Only with Jesus it is "If you want to live have faith in me," from hope came faith and through faith came the ability to face my fears and actually do the right thing when faced with choices. I didnt even realize it, but this faith carried me through prison crashing through fears and adversity, things that would normally make me crumble were being faced and dealt with, the beauty of it was all I was doing was walking in faith and doing the next right indicated thing. It wasnt until I was out of prison and on my sixth step that I would have my first realized bout with facing my deep fears. I had many small bouts before this one but this one would be the one that changed my life, where I would learn the lesson face everything and recover.

Step 6 says: "We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character." At this time I had my defects of character listed and fresh on my mind from my fouth and fifth step, I was praying to God daily to help remove these defects and reveal to me any others that I had missed. However in the midst of all this I felt very unhappy and depressed about recovery, it was like I was at this point where I was either going to buy into this thing fully or do it my own way. I think I feared completly letting go of the old Richard, there was a big part of me that feared where this life would lead me, what it would turn me into and who I would become.  My character defect fear reared its ugly head and again I was allowing my own understanding and perceptions to govern what I thought was right. It was at this point where God came pounding through in my heart and prayers showing me that I had to crash through the fears and TRUST!! He was not letting me go and I felt this overwhelming feeling that I just had to step out yet again and trust God and his direction and care. I did then and I contnue to do the same thing everyday, I have learned that in facing my fears my faith in Christ is bolstered and through those encounters something is always revealed to me about who I am.

So today I dont walk in fear I walk in faith, knowing that whatever life throws at me isnt an opportunity to run but an opportunity to embrace and grow with Christ. One of my favorite books in the bible is 1Peter and my all time favorite set of verses which I'll end with that relates completly to this topic is 1Peter 1:3-10, in verses 6-9 Peter says:

"⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Let Go & Let God.

"Let go and let God," a phrase that I hear numerous times in the rooms of AA and Celebrate Recovery.  Its a phrase that has stuck with me and I have often found myself having to pull it out to beat back the stinking thinking or future tripping that often goes on in my head.  Either I am way out in the future thinking about things that may never happen, based off a set of circumstances that are likely impossible, or I am dwelling on how I treated that one person or could of acted differently in this situation or I cant believe I was treated this way.  Where its good to be reflective and look at my actions so that I can take them to God in prayer, its not good when I allow these things to take over my mind to a point where they are having an impact on my emotions and altering how I react to situations and my relationships with others. If I allow these things to go this far the end result is usually me finding myself on my knees humbly at the cross in repentance praying for grace and guidance on how to not find myself in this position again.  Usually I reflect back at this point and see that most of the episodes often when I am not practicing the spiritual deiciplines that the bible so clearly states are vital to the transforming walk with Christ. Either I have not taking the time to pray and focus my thoughts on God, that which is holy and pure, or I have been slacking on my reading and studying of the scriptures, or I have withdrawn myself from fellowship with my accountability partners in the programs or my small groups at church. All these things are so vital to my life and spiritual well being, and I know that if any one of them fall to the way side I am opening myself up to a whole realm of horrible thinking and actions.  The walk of faith never ceases to amaze me...its like I know what has to be done and what I have to do in order to stay healthy and what do I do?! The exact opposite lol! However it has gotten better over time only by the grace of God and alot of transforming work by Christ.  So let go and let God always reminds me that the most important thing in my life is my relationship with Christ, from it all things flow, he is the rock, the wellspring, and in practicing the spiritual disciplines the roots of my faith extend deeper into that rock and draw more and more from that wellspring allowing the work of Christ to pour into and out of me freely.

But what of the person that doesent know Christ. This topic came up in the rooms of AA here recently and it had me thinking about those who dont know God. I can see how this phrase would work in church or in Celebrate Recovery but what about to the non believer? The one who doesnt believe in the strength and goodness of God? The one who relies on their own strength or the strength of other worldly things. Can these people with "higher powers" other than the one true God actually be able to "let go and let God"? How can you let go to a doorknob...or your family...I just cant see how it would work. A doorknob is not powerful and in fact it takes my strength to make it work...and my kid or any other person is human and subject to failure just like me plus they look to me for provision and guidance, so how can they help me through these things? The truth is they cant, we may be able to let something go but if we are non believers we are truly missing out on the beauty of the wholephrase which is letting God. Because only God is sovereign and good. So only when we give it to him can we have full assurance, whether the out come be good or bad it happened exactly how it was supposed to and in the end all together good...even if I cant see it.

Thats the power of faith in Christ and why Christianity is a faith and not a religion of works or deeds.

Exciting News!

What a crazy week!! From family being in town and work being absolutely nuts, which is a tremendous blessing in times like these, this week has been actioned packed! The definite topper of the week is that on Monday my girlfreind and I got engaged to be married! It seems like all week has been a blur since that event and just now is the dust starting to settle to a point where I can sit down and chat a little bit.


I am thankful that admist the chaos I have been somewhat capable of keeping a sound mind and have been heavily reflecting on the latest change in my life. I know for me events like these just seem to bring reflection on heavy and I often find myself deeply thinking about it all. The most apparent thing that became clear to me in my thoughts is the transforming and restorative work of Christ in two peoples lives. I dont want to divulge the details of my bride to be's life, but just like me, with Christ's loving care and guidance she has overcome many trials. Through the many struggles of her life up to this point the faith that has been refined by them is apparent and interwoven into who she is, it just floors me that I have been blessed with such a wonderful gift!


It really floors me to look at my own life up to this point, to think that three years ago I was being released from jail for the 5th time in 10 years! In no way did I think I would end up where I am...engaged to this amazing woman...I didnt even believe in marriage four years ago, that didnt come until I was shown a whole new life that is the Christian faith. I by no means deserve this life and prior to faith I viewed myself as unworthy of God, I mean why would he want apart of horrible, sinful me? Well thats just what the opposition of all that is good wanted me to believe! When that is as far as the truth as possible! God wants me just as I was, all broken and dirty, beat up by the world and constant failure. He grasped me in his arms, cleansed me in his sacrifice releasing my past unto him so I no longer had to be in bondage to it; then he placed his spirit in my heart his word in my hands and said live my son and love me with all your heart and all things good will come from this love.


Two months ago I found myself having to be told this once again, which happens often I have found...I am a slow learner. Anyways I found myself praying to God for guidance of whether or not I should ask my fiancee out to coffee. I came to him in a spirit of inadequacy, I was questioning whether or not a woman as amazing as this would be able to love me. I continued in prayer for the next week and the Spirit continued to reveal that in fact I was worthy, and that I am no longer defined by that past but by Jesus Christ and through him all things are possible. So I did it, I asked her out to coffee....


Now two months later we are engaged to be married! Its like a giant piece of the puzzle has been placed and I am left here going WOW! God you are amazing. I am such a blessed man.


I guess I sit here and blog this to share a victory of course, but also in hopes that if your still reading this that some piece of truth about Christs work in my life has pulled on your heart strings maybe leaving you questioning areas of your life. I just want you to know that it is possible and you are deserving.

A Fellowship: Part I

I love being happy, today is just one of those days where I went to work and nothing crazy happened, everything was smooth operating. I was able to pause at work during lunch and have a fantastic conversation with someone very close to me. Then after returning to work I had a great conversation with my boss, who always gives me a good laugh and inspired attitude...and no I dont think he reads this! lol! Not to mention its Friday and I look forward to a night spent with good fellowship and food...which to me is always a great thing...I like food! I think the real kicker has got to be this action packed fun weekend planned, filled with family and freinds just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I am so thankful for the fantastic people God has placed around me the past couple of years, all of which have been so instrumental in bringing me where I am today and have all pitched in in teaching me about life.

There are two things that are always said in AA and Celebrate Recovery one is that the programs are programs of action and two the programs are not "I" programs but "WE" programs. The founders of these programs realized in the very beginning that recovery cannot be had on our own will power, we had to put our faith in God and the people in these programs that had what every broken person wants...freedom from the results of that brokeness. I find this extremely true because I cant tell you how many times I tried to abstain from a variety of things on my own accord to quickly find myself failing yet again. When I came into these programs I quickly found fellowship among those who were alot like me that I could relate to in a variety of ways. I started to call these people and to hang out with these people and by the grace of God and strong relationships they showed me how to live a different way...a more fantastic fulfilling way might I add...really beyond my greatest idea of what the good life was or would be. I came to find out that one of the main reasons I felt the need to go out and do the things I did was because I was lonely or feared being alone, well that fear was replaced with love from God and another human being. The coolest thing about it is, now that I am on the12th step I have the great blessing of being that for another broken person just through living out my transformed life.

Ramblings of a Sick Man

I hate being sick. Today I have one of those head colds, you know the type, where your head feels like its in the clouds with earmuffs on. The kind where when you swallow your ears pop like you've driven up the face of Everest, yeah its one of those pressurized doldrums head cold. I think its kinda funny because I sort of liken myself as a fairly tough guy...I mean I can handle some pain and don't fear too many things, but when it comes to being sick I turn into quite the sissy. I know I am not the only guy who does this though, not that it makes it justified or anything...I am just saying I have seen the way some men act while being sick. Its like it gives me a reason to drop my man card and open myself up to compassion, nurturing, and loving, is this a bad thing? No, I think its okay to put the guard down and accept that someone can take care of me and that I need help and actually desire that from another human being. Is it bad that I and other men have to be in a state of weakness and discomfort before we ask for help? 

I think the answer to the question has to be yes, I dont know when or where I got this idea that I had to do everything on my own and to ask for help or to need help was somehow failing as a man. It is the most idiotic idea and it really has gotten me into some tough spots along my journey through life. I have been quick to deny help from God, family and friends in some kind of attempt to prove that I could do it myself, when in the end I was just flailing about foolishly while I continued to drown. Is this how it was all designed to be? For me, in my drowning and all my flailing about, it revealed to me why I need God and those around me all the more.

Since walking with God I see that I cant take the world on my shoulders, thats an expectation no person can bear. In the past I would see the need for help as weakness or try to place my worth as a man on whether or not I succeeded in doing on my own. In truth the weaker man is actually the one who thinks they can take on the world by themselves. It is a true test of integrity and character in a man to be able to humble himself and ask for help. Not to mention I have also heard that its pretty attractive, so just a little bonus! lol!  

I have to have humility and humbleness in all things, leaning on those around me, who in turn lean on me as we persevere through this thing that is life. In hopes that we can be a blessing to one another, while loving, singing praise and bringing Glory to our Father.

Embracing Me:Part II (Actually Embracing Christ)

I am so thankful for God today! His grace, mercy and love has brought me to a point in life I really never thought possible for me. Totally free from having to feel as if I have to live up to some standard that is impossible to live up to. Free from having to over compensate in my personality and life in order to be accepted by my peers and those around me. Through God's grace and transforming love I no longer have to put on the fronts, I understand the beauty of living life genuinely I no longer have to feel as if I am hiding something because that something is no longer there it has been cast as far as the east is from the west. In its place my identity is now solely in my relationship with Christ, not of the things of this world or the people in it, but in the one who sustains it all. All those other things fail me, let me down, produce false images of who I think I should be when in the end it is just a masquerade of lies. No, I must put my faith in Jesus and allow him to define who I am, to allow his truth and his word to transform my life, daily giving my life to him as he did for me in an attempt to not serve myself but rather serve him. Not in a heart a slavery but in  a heart of love, obedience and gratitude because today I know a small piece of life and who I am through him. Prior to Jesus I was mearly existing but now I live, this has only been possible through the transforming love, grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. I have learned that it is really okay for me to be me, because it is only when I am truly embracing who he created me to be that I am most useful to him and those around me. The only way I can do this is by living openly and honestly with God, myself and those around me practicing humility, love and obedience as I continue to persevere in trying to understand life and who I am in Christ, always hoping to be more and more like him everyday.

Embracing Me: Part I (Me Not Embracing)

Who I am...This concept or idea has baffled me for as long as I remember. Not that I have it all figured out as of today or anything, but because of the work of Christ in my newly embraced life with Him I can definitely say I have a little better understanding now then ever.

.....I have spent most of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be or what I thought would make everyone including myself happy. That is so hard to say because I think that deep down everyone wants to believe that they are their own person; that they wear what they want to wear, act how they want to act, that they are different than everyone else. I had myself convinced at a very young age that this was true for me, however it was a lie just like all the things I used to define who I was. Its like my whole life up to my mid twenties I defined who I was by always compensating to make up for what I felt I lacked, just so I would come across as whole while on the inside I was in bondage and despair. It never brought happiness or fulfillment to my life, on the contrary it brought mostly pain, guilt, and anguish. I constantly felt as though I was failing everyone including myself because I could not possibly live up to the standards and expectations I had put on who I was...no one could. I can totally see why alcohol and other things seemed to play such a huge role in my life, they were a crutch for me to deal with life and to forget about who I was. Until eventually alcohol and the lifestyle that came with it was pretty much the dictator of who I was, it dictated what I was doing, where I was going and who I would be with. What hurt most of all was that I embraced that as who I was.

Where Is the Love?

I am very blessed to have a wonderful girlfriend who really seems to show me and teach me many things, I dont think she knows all the things I learn from her...good and bad for that matter! j/k! Anyway "Where is the Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas is one of her favorite songs and here recently we were cruising around town and she put that track on. The whole song is about love or rather the lack there of in the world, which has terrible effects such as murder, suffering, oppression, etc. Now I dont know if the definition of evil equals the lack of love, but I think that may be best saved for another day. Sorry for that detour...ADD or something. 

In one part of the song the lyrics state "you got to practice what you preach" or something along those lines, and for some reason that sent me searching deeply inward...one of the reasons I love music. My first path after hearing this was to of course to look at the members of the Peas lives to see if I could find anywhere they weren't practicing what they were preaching! I tried to wade through all the random tabloids I read while standing in line at supermarkets, or the random blurbs I heard on MTV, in the end I had to settle with judging Fergie as a hypocrite because of some shady video and lyric choices in the past...and that's where it hit me wheres the love in that!? That move right there was hypocritical on my part...Lord knows with a past like mine I have no place to be judging someone else or thinking I am better than anyone.

So I started looking at all my relationships and all my dealings with anyone and I came to the conclusion I suck at love! I realized that the dependency of my love really depends on how into myself I am at that time or how into my walk with Jesus I am at that time. When I am focused on Christ and my faith in him by his grace love seems to pour out of me and I dont even realize I am doing it. Yet when I am into other things besides Christ my love is lazy and spotty at best, so I see that without Christ I do not really know love and I would even venture to say that apart from Christ I dont even know true love. I am the branch he is my root, if fruit is to grow from my life it first has to be rooted deep into God's love, mercy and grace leaving a direct route for the light of the Spirit to pour out on the world around me. So to answer the Peas question the love is in Christ.

I realize that I may be foolish for taking on a topic like love but this topic has been on my heart for the last few weeks, however one thing I am being reminded about from my girl is that it should be on my heart all the time.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." - 1Cor - 13:4-7

A Hopeless State

Today I was reflecting and thinking about a place in my life two and a half years ago where I found myself utterly hopeless and defeated. I was in a prison cell processing through my past life and decisions trying to figure out just how it all went wrong, and how I was going to possibly get through the coming months. I had no answers...its sad to think just how helpless and hopeless I was when the realization finally came to me that I really had no clue how to live any other way than the party lifestyle that completely failed me. It was a crutch, a way for me to escape to another reality where I no longer had to deal with the demons of my childhood. A lifestyle which allowed me to be something other than me, I had friends, top shelf alcohol and drugs, which lead me on many a great adventures. However right then and right there in that prison cell all those things were meaningless, the friends were gone, no more adventures, and worse yet I had the demons of my past there haunting and nagging my heart unchecked.
It was in this state that I was led to pickup the Holy Bible and in the word of God I found stories of men who like me had not led great lives yet God loved them all the same. It was through the word that the Holy Spirit began to transform my dead hardened heart to one filled with willingness and hope. I continued to read about those me in the Bible who were being redeemed back to God, and even though their lives got hard and trying they continued to put their faith in God. In Him they found meaningfulness, a way of life that is truly life as it was intended to be. This is the faith that I hold onto until this day, one of grace, love and transformation only found in Jesus Christ. A way of life in which I don't feel the need to fill my life full of meaningless things because those things no longer define me.....today I have peace knowing that I am only defined by Christ.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual act of worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

- Romans 12:1-2 ESV