Who I am...This concept or idea has baffled me for as long as I remember. Not that I have it all figured out as of today or anything, but because of the work of Christ in my newly embraced life with Him I can definitely say I have a little better understanding now then ever.
.....I have spent most of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be or what I thought would make everyone including myself happy. That is so hard to say because I think that deep down everyone wants to believe that they are their own person; that they wear what they want to wear, act how they want to act, that they are different than everyone else. I had myself convinced at a very young age that this was true for me, however it was a lie just like all the things I used to define who I was. Its like my whole life up to my mid twenties I defined who I was by always compensating to make up for what I felt I lacked, just so I would come across as whole while on the inside I was in bondage and despair. It never brought happiness or fulfillment to my life, on the contrary it brought mostly pain, guilt, and anguish. I constantly felt as though I was failing everyone including myself because I could not possibly live up to the standards and expectations I had put on who I was...no one could. I can totally see why alcohol and other things seemed to play such a huge role in my life, they were a crutch for me to deal with life and to forget about who I was. Until eventually alcohol and the lifestyle that came with it was pretty much the dictator of who I was, it dictated what I was doing, where I was going and who I would be with. What hurt most of all was that I embraced that as who I was.
0 comments:
Post a Comment