Honesty, Openess & Willingness: Part Two Honesty With Others

Honesty with others...I love this part! For me it was such a freeing experience to know that my past, what others might think of me and my own personal image no longer define me. Today it is my faith in Jesus Christ that truly sets me fee from these things, I realize today that my weaknesses and strengths all come from how he created me. I no longer have to fit in this framework of what the world tells me I should be, what I should have, or what I should think. Its just to hard just to much maitenance, no matter what expectation I try to live to or what next best thing I try it all fails me.  I have found that when I can embrace who I am in Christ and how he created me to be I am the most service to him and my fellow brother and sister.

Today I really try to remember that my past life of drinking, drugging, partying, etc...is not what makes me who I am today nor does it dictate to me the kind of future I have in front of me. My past is for Jesus a tool for me to relate to and have empathy for the person who is also in the same spot. My colorful past is just a testimony to how the love, grace and salvation that comes from the gospel changes the worst of sinners heart righting them on a path of life they never thought imaginable. I share my past openly and honestly today with anyone, I have found that it not only releases any power those things have over me but it also leads to people feeling comfortable enough to share about victories and obstacles in their lives as well. It creates a transparency with another person that allows me to take the relationship to a whole other level of openness.

Perhaps the hardest part of openness with others for me is the whole admitting when I'm wrong or struggling part. My pride and ego hate this, but its a good thing to be humbled and I have pretty much gotten comfortable being in the humbled state, I am not saying that to brag but because it feels like I have to apologize quite a bit. See, I have a brain, and I have a mouth and sometimes the filter between the two doesn't work fast enough. I often find myself apologizing for saying something I probably shouldn't have, usually the other party is like what are you talking about? But I gotta share whats on my heart...I do not like carrying that stuff around in there...it sucks! I gotta get it off my chest, pray for forgiveness and awareness and keep moving forward. Now not only do I have to admit when I am wrong but I have to also admit when my butt is falling off onto the ground, for me this doesn't just mean struggling with some aspect of life but I have to let people know when I feel hurt or feel upset. Again for me these things tear me up inside and if I don't handle them properly they lead to me dwelling and constantly thinking about them which then leads to resentment. The same is true with struggling, if something has got me down I am quick to offload it first to Jesus and then to someone else in my network of friends and family. It releases all power its holding on within me and I keep moving forward...sometimes I am back in prayer or on the phone again in an hour but I just cant hold onto that stuff...its spiritually draining.

Anyway thats my experience with openness with others, I thank God for the relationships I have today which the other person and I share this kind of openness. I really think that it was how God designed them to be and in the middle of them is a deep relationship that is beneficial to both persons. I Love It!

Fellowship: Part II

Well fellowship again has been on my heart over the past few weeks and I figured that meant it would be a good time to wrap up my thoughts on fellowship. Its probably about time because the topic has been left open for a month or so now, not that people are nit hanging on the edge of their seat to get it because I think only five people read this. Which is perfectly fine by me, I started the blog simply because it was on my heart for a long time, until one day I acted on it and now three months later hear I am. Pretty cool, anyways I should probably get on topic here. Fellowship, over the past few weeks it has been amazing to me to think about how much fellowship means to me and how it has gradually and sometimes suddenly changed my life. As you will read in Fellowship I my whole idea of fellowship was based around partying and belonging. I didnt want anyone too close I always kept them at a arms distance never opening up who I really was for fear of failure or rejection.

Today I see fellowship as a much more different thing...I love being in the rooms of A.A. or C.R. and seeing new comers or people who ask for help being swarmed after meetings by smiling faces and open arms. A place where true relation happens, hopefully this happens not because the person offering feels obligated or is forcing it but because there is a understanding or apathy for where that person is, because they have been there worked through it and came through stronger with more understanding.  I truly believe that these things are the scars and thorns we have to be willing to share and open up about to others to show the glory of Christ's work within us. This is why personal testimonies are so powerful, we can relate to and meet these people sharing about their lives exactly where they are. We can share with them about those emotions that they are feeling during those really hard moments because we have those emotions and feelings too! Yet they have overcomed and have actually come to terms enough with their past to be able to share about it in hopes that another wont walk down their road. I see this everyday in the rooms of A.A. and C.R. and what it creates is a breeding ground for fellowsip to happen and be facilitated. There is true beauty in seeing someone who is broken and beatdown realize that they are not alone and in fact many others struggle with the exact very same thing and have moved on from it...being able to see someone who has what we have and be willing to do what we have to do to get it. The first step: Realizing that I have a problem.

I have a big problem and the problem is me. It truly is a miracle of God that I am where I am today because in all honesty I should have died quite a few times in my life. I had problems, problems I thought were mine and only mine, well thats not true they are God's all God's because he has taken a life full of darkness, sadness and despair and shone a light and given a reason and a will to live within me. Part of life for me now is living like an open book, I have to admit my mistakes, when I am wrong and quickly make ammends to those I have hurt. Not only do I do these things but I also stay open about my past and where I have been because I believe that fellowship with another human being begins with honesty and relation. These things cannot happen without me being willing to share who I am....who I really am with another human being. As a Christian, sober person, recovery person, it is in these times when I do the aformentioned things I feel God's transformative work in my life being used to bless another paerson...Its amazing!!

Ramblings of a Sick Man

I hate being sick. Today I have one of those head colds, you know the type, where your head feels like its in the clouds with earmuffs on. The kind where when you swallow your ears pop like you've driven up the face of Everest, yeah its one of those pressurized doldrums head cold. I think its kinda funny because I sort of liken myself as a fairly tough guy...I mean I can handle some pain and don't fear too many things, but when it comes to being sick I turn into quite the sissy. I know I am not the only guy who does this though, not that it makes it justified or anything...I am just saying I have seen the way some men act while being sick. Its like it gives me a reason to drop my man card and open myself up to compassion, nurturing, and loving, is this a bad thing? No, I think its okay to put the guard down and accept that someone can take care of me and that I need help and actually desire that from another human being. Is it bad that I and other men have to be in a state of weakness and discomfort before we ask for help? 

I think the answer to the question has to be yes, I dont know when or where I got this idea that I had to do everything on my own and to ask for help or to need help was somehow failing as a man. It is the most idiotic idea and it really has gotten me into some tough spots along my journey through life. I have been quick to deny help from God, family and friends in some kind of attempt to prove that I could do it myself, when in the end I was just flailing about foolishly while I continued to drown. Is this how it was all designed to be? For me, in my drowning and all my flailing about, it revealed to me why I need God and those around me all the more.

Since walking with God I see that I cant take the world on my shoulders, thats an expectation no person can bear. In the past I would see the need for help as weakness or try to place my worth as a man on whether or not I succeeded in doing on my own. In truth the weaker man is actually the one who thinks they can take on the world by themselves. It is a true test of integrity and character in a man to be able to humble himself and ask for help. Not to mention I have also heard that its pretty attractive, so just a little bonus! lol!  

I have to have humility and humbleness in all things, leaning on those around me, who in turn lean on me as we persevere through this thing that is life. In hopes that we can be a blessing to one another, while loving, singing praise and bringing Glory to our Father.