By His Grace

What a great Christmas! Its a crazy time of the year, this year was especially crazy for me as I got the blessing to be able to spend it with my fiancee and step son as well as her family. I have been meaning to get on and blogg for quite sometime now but just havent gotten the opportunity. I am happy to finally be back at the keyboard to report that on the 17th of Decmber I celebrated three years of sobriety. Sobriety birthdays are always fun and for me the whole month surrounding them is just kind of a rollercoaster filled with thankfulness, gratitude and deep reflection. So...throw this in with the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ who is the only reason I am where I am, it makes for one humbling gratitude filled month! Its crazy to look at where I was just three years ago and where I am now thanks to Jesus and his work on the cross and in me.

Its always easy for me to remember that Christmas season three years ago and I never want to, because it always humbles and fills me with faith and love for Jesus. I was arrested on the 17th for my fourth DUI, bailed out on the 19th, then had to immediately go turn myself in on a probation violation in another county, g to court the next morning then get bailed out for that. so by the 20th of December I was out of jail until my hearings. I was so fearful, so hopeless, I remember celebrating Christmas...if you want to call it that. I was in a deep depression, full of despair and fear not really wanting to leave the house as I tried to figure out what a life without alcohol looked like. I just remember stting with my family not really knowing when I would spend Christmas with them again.

These feelings went on for the next five months until I found myself in a jail cell with a Holy Bible in my hands seeking anything that resembled an answer. It was when my heart was in that condition when my mind was filled with nothing but lies was my soul awakened to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Truth came beaming in and permeating everything I did...I was being transformed just as I am today. I was with my family the very next Christmas rejoicing and celebrating in the glory of Christ coming to die for us so that we, so that I may know life away from the bondage of sin and lies.

Embracing Me: Part I (Me Not Embracing)

Who I am...This concept or idea has baffled me for as long as I remember. Not that I have it all figured out as of today or anything, but because of the work of Christ in my newly embraced life with Him I can definitely say I have a little better understanding now then ever.

.....I have spent most of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be or what I thought would make everyone including myself happy. That is so hard to say because I think that deep down everyone wants to believe that they are their own person; that they wear what they want to wear, act how they want to act, that they are different than everyone else. I had myself convinced at a very young age that this was true for me, however it was a lie just like all the things I used to define who I was. Its like my whole life up to my mid twenties I defined who I was by always compensating to make up for what I felt I lacked, just so I would come across as whole while on the inside I was in bondage and despair. It never brought happiness or fulfillment to my life, on the contrary it brought mostly pain, guilt, and anguish. I constantly felt as though I was failing everyone including myself because I could not possibly live up to the standards and expectations I had put on who I was...no one could. I can totally see why alcohol and other things seemed to play such a huge role in my life, they were a crutch for me to deal with life and to forget about who I was. Until eventually alcohol and the lifestyle that came with it was pretty much the dictator of who I was, it dictated what I was doing, where I was going and who I would be with. What hurt most of all was that I embraced that as who I was.