Let Go & Let God.

"Let go and let God," a phrase that I hear numerous times in the rooms of AA and Celebrate Recovery.  Its a phrase that has stuck with me and I have often found myself having to pull it out to beat back the stinking thinking or future tripping that often goes on in my head.  Either I am way out in the future thinking about things that may never happen, based off a set of circumstances that are likely impossible, or I am dwelling on how I treated that one person or could of acted differently in this situation or I cant believe I was treated this way.  Where its good to be reflective and look at my actions so that I can take them to God in prayer, its not good when I allow these things to take over my mind to a point where they are having an impact on my emotions and altering how I react to situations and my relationships with others. If I allow these things to go this far the end result is usually me finding myself on my knees humbly at the cross in repentance praying for grace and guidance on how to not find myself in this position again.  Usually I reflect back at this point and see that most of the episodes often when I am not practicing the spiritual deiciplines that the bible so clearly states are vital to the transforming walk with Christ. Either I have not taking the time to pray and focus my thoughts on God, that which is holy and pure, or I have been slacking on my reading and studying of the scriptures, or I have withdrawn myself from fellowship with my accountability partners in the programs or my small groups at church. All these things are so vital to my life and spiritual well being, and I know that if any one of them fall to the way side I am opening myself up to a whole realm of horrible thinking and actions.  The walk of faith never ceases to amaze me...its like I know what has to be done and what I have to do in order to stay healthy and what do I do?! The exact opposite lol! However it has gotten better over time only by the grace of God and alot of transforming work by Christ.  So let go and let God always reminds me that the most important thing in my life is my relationship with Christ, from it all things flow, he is the rock, the wellspring, and in practicing the spiritual disciplines the roots of my faith extend deeper into that rock and draw more and more from that wellspring allowing the work of Christ to pour into and out of me freely.

But what of the person that doesent know Christ. This topic came up in the rooms of AA here recently and it had me thinking about those who dont know God. I can see how this phrase would work in church or in Celebrate Recovery but what about to the non believer? The one who doesnt believe in the strength and goodness of God? The one who relies on their own strength or the strength of other worldly things. Can these people with "higher powers" other than the one true God actually be able to "let go and let God"? How can you let go to a doorknob...or your family...I just cant see how it would work. A doorknob is not powerful and in fact it takes my strength to make it work...and my kid or any other person is human and subject to failure just like me plus they look to me for provision and guidance, so how can they help me through these things? The truth is they cant, we may be able to let something go but if we are non believers we are truly missing out on the beauty of the wholephrase which is letting God. Because only God is sovereign and good. So only when we give it to him can we have full assurance, whether the out come be good or bad it happened exactly how it was supposed to and in the end all together good...even if I cant see it.

Thats the power of faith in Christ and why Christianity is a faith and not a religion of works or deeds.

Exciting News!

What a crazy week!! From family being in town and work being absolutely nuts, which is a tremendous blessing in times like these, this week has been actioned packed! The definite topper of the week is that on Monday my girlfreind and I got engaged to be married! It seems like all week has been a blur since that event and just now is the dust starting to settle to a point where I can sit down and chat a little bit.


I am thankful that admist the chaos I have been somewhat capable of keeping a sound mind and have been heavily reflecting on the latest change in my life. I know for me events like these just seem to bring reflection on heavy and I often find myself deeply thinking about it all. The most apparent thing that became clear to me in my thoughts is the transforming and restorative work of Christ in two peoples lives. I dont want to divulge the details of my bride to be's life, but just like me, with Christ's loving care and guidance she has overcome many trials. Through the many struggles of her life up to this point the faith that has been refined by them is apparent and interwoven into who she is, it just floors me that I have been blessed with such a wonderful gift!


It really floors me to look at my own life up to this point, to think that three years ago I was being released from jail for the 5th time in 10 years! In no way did I think I would end up where I am...engaged to this amazing woman...I didnt even believe in marriage four years ago, that didnt come until I was shown a whole new life that is the Christian faith. I by no means deserve this life and prior to faith I viewed myself as unworthy of God, I mean why would he want apart of horrible, sinful me? Well thats just what the opposition of all that is good wanted me to believe! When that is as far as the truth as possible! God wants me just as I was, all broken and dirty, beat up by the world and constant failure. He grasped me in his arms, cleansed me in his sacrifice releasing my past unto him so I no longer had to be in bondage to it; then he placed his spirit in my heart his word in my hands and said live my son and love me with all your heart and all things good will come from this love.


Two months ago I found myself having to be told this once again, which happens often I have found...I am a slow learner. Anyways I found myself praying to God for guidance of whether or not I should ask my fiancee out to coffee. I came to him in a spirit of inadequacy, I was questioning whether or not a woman as amazing as this would be able to love me. I continued in prayer for the next week and the Spirit continued to reveal that in fact I was worthy, and that I am no longer defined by that past but by Jesus Christ and through him all things are possible. So I did it, I asked her out to coffee....


Now two months later we are engaged to be married! Its like a giant piece of the puzzle has been placed and I am left here going WOW! God you are amazing. I am such a blessed man.


I guess I sit here and blog this to share a victory of course, but also in hopes that if your still reading this that some piece of truth about Christs work in my life has pulled on your heart strings maybe leaving you questioning areas of your life. I just want you to know that it is possible and you are deserving.

A Fellowship: Part I

I love being happy, today is just one of those days where I went to work and nothing crazy happened, everything was smooth operating. I was able to pause at work during lunch and have a fantastic conversation with someone very close to me. Then after returning to work I had a great conversation with my boss, who always gives me a good laugh and inspired attitude...and no I dont think he reads this! lol! Not to mention its Friday and I look forward to a night spent with good fellowship and food...which to me is always a great thing...I like food! I think the real kicker has got to be this action packed fun weekend planned, filled with family and freinds just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I am so thankful for the fantastic people God has placed around me the past couple of years, all of which have been so instrumental in bringing me where I am today and have all pitched in in teaching me about life.

There are two things that are always said in AA and Celebrate Recovery one is that the programs are programs of action and two the programs are not "I" programs but "WE" programs. The founders of these programs realized in the very beginning that recovery cannot be had on our own will power, we had to put our faith in God and the people in these programs that had what every broken person wants...freedom from the results of that brokeness. I find this extremely true because I cant tell you how many times I tried to abstain from a variety of things on my own accord to quickly find myself failing yet again. When I came into these programs I quickly found fellowship among those who were alot like me that I could relate to in a variety of ways. I started to call these people and to hang out with these people and by the grace of God and strong relationships they showed me how to live a different way...a more fantastic fulfilling way might I add...really beyond my greatest idea of what the good life was or would be. I came to find out that one of the main reasons I felt the need to go out and do the things I did was because I was lonely or feared being alone, well that fear was replaced with love from God and another human being. The coolest thing about it is, now that I am on the12th step I have the great blessing of being that for another broken person just through living out my transformed life.

Ramblings of a Sick Man

I hate being sick. Today I have one of those head colds, you know the type, where your head feels like its in the clouds with earmuffs on. The kind where when you swallow your ears pop like you've driven up the face of Everest, yeah its one of those pressurized doldrums head cold. I think its kinda funny because I sort of liken myself as a fairly tough guy...I mean I can handle some pain and don't fear too many things, but when it comes to being sick I turn into quite the sissy. I know I am not the only guy who does this though, not that it makes it justified or anything...I am just saying I have seen the way some men act while being sick. Its like it gives me a reason to drop my man card and open myself up to compassion, nurturing, and loving, is this a bad thing? No, I think its okay to put the guard down and accept that someone can take care of me and that I need help and actually desire that from another human being. Is it bad that I and other men have to be in a state of weakness and discomfort before we ask for help? 

I think the answer to the question has to be yes, I dont know when or where I got this idea that I had to do everything on my own and to ask for help or to need help was somehow failing as a man. It is the most idiotic idea and it really has gotten me into some tough spots along my journey through life. I have been quick to deny help from God, family and friends in some kind of attempt to prove that I could do it myself, when in the end I was just flailing about foolishly while I continued to drown. Is this how it was all designed to be? For me, in my drowning and all my flailing about, it revealed to me why I need God and those around me all the more.

Since walking with God I see that I cant take the world on my shoulders, thats an expectation no person can bear. In the past I would see the need for help as weakness or try to place my worth as a man on whether or not I succeeded in doing on my own. In truth the weaker man is actually the one who thinks they can take on the world by themselves. It is a true test of integrity and character in a man to be able to humble himself and ask for help. Not to mention I have also heard that its pretty attractive, so just a little bonus! lol!  

I have to have humility and humbleness in all things, leaning on those around me, who in turn lean on me as we persevere through this thing that is life. In hopes that we can be a blessing to one another, while loving, singing praise and bringing Glory to our Father.

Embracing Me:Part II (Actually Embracing Christ)

I am so thankful for God today! His grace, mercy and love has brought me to a point in life I really never thought possible for me. Totally free from having to feel as if I have to live up to some standard that is impossible to live up to. Free from having to over compensate in my personality and life in order to be accepted by my peers and those around me. Through God's grace and transforming love I no longer have to put on the fronts, I understand the beauty of living life genuinely I no longer have to feel as if I am hiding something because that something is no longer there it has been cast as far as the east is from the west. In its place my identity is now solely in my relationship with Christ, not of the things of this world or the people in it, but in the one who sustains it all. All those other things fail me, let me down, produce false images of who I think I should be when in the end it is just a masquerade of lies. No, I must put my faith in Jesus and allow him to define who I am, to allow his truth and his word to transform my life, daily giving my life to him as he did for me in an attempt to not serve myself but rather serve him. Not in a heart a slavery but in  a heart of love, obedience and gratitude because today I know a small piece of life and who I am through him. Prior to Jesus I was mearly existing but now I live, this has only been possible through the transforming love, grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. I have learned that it is really okay for me to be me, because it is only when I am truly embracing who he created me to be that I am most useful to him and those around me. The only way I can do this is by living openly and honestly with God, myself and those around me practicing humility, love and obedience as I continue to persevere in trying to understand life and who I am in Christ, always hoping to be more and more like him everyday.

Embracing Me: Part I (Me Not Embracing)

Who I am...This concept or idea has baffled me for as long as I remember. Not that I have it all figured out as of today or anything, but because of the work of Christ in my newly embraced life with Him I can definitely say I have a little better understanding now then ever.

.....I have spent most of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be or what I thought would make everyone including myself happy. That is so hard to say because I think that deep down everyone wants to believe that they are their own person; that they wear what they want to wear, act how they want to act, that they are different than everyone else. I had myself convinced at a very young age that this was true for me, however it was a lie just like all the things I used to define who I was. Its like my whole life up to my mid twenties I defined who I was by always compensating to make up for what I felt I lacked, just so I would come across as whole while on the inside I was in bondage and despair. It never brought happiness or fulfillment to my life, on the contrary it brought mostly pain, guilt, and anguish. I constantly felt as though I was failing everyone including myself because I could not possibly live up to the standards and expectations I had put on who I was...no one could. I can totally see why alcohol and other things seemed to play such a huge role in my life, they were a crutch for me to deal with life and to forget about who I was. Until eventually alcohol and the lifestyle that came with it was pretty much the dictator of who I was, it dictated what I was doing, where I was going and who I would be with. What hurt most of all was that I embraced that as who I was.

Where Is the Love?

I am very blessed to have a wonderful girlfriend who really seems to show me and teach me many things, I dont think she knows all the things I learn from her...good and bad for that matter! j/k! Anyway "Where is the Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas is one of her favorite songs and here recently we were cruising around town and she put that track on. The whole song is about love or rather the lack there of in the world, which has terrible effects such as murder, suffering, oppression, etc. Now I dont know if the definition of evil equals the lack of love, but I think that may be best saved for another day. Sorry for that detour...ADD or something. 

In one part of the song the lyrics state "you got to practice what you preach" or something along those lines, and for some reason that sent me searching deeply inward...one of the reasons I love music. My first path after hearing this was to of course to look at the members of the Peas lives to see if I could find anywhere they weren't practicing what they were preaching! I tried to wade through all the random tabloids I read while standing in line at supermarkets, or the random blurbs I heard on MTV, in the end I had to settle with judging Fergie as a hypocrite because of some shady video and lyric choices in the past...and that's where it hit me wheres the love in that!? That move right there was hypocritical on my part...Lord knows with a past like mine I have no place to be judging someone else or thinking I am better than anyone.

So I started looking at all my relationships and all my dealings with anyone and I came to the conclusion I suck at love! I realized that the dependency of my love really depends on how into myself I am at that time or how into my walk with Jesus I am at that time. When I am focused on Christ and my faith in him by his grace love seems to pour out of me and I dont even realize I am doing it. Yet when I am into other things besides Christ my love is lazy and spotty at best, so I see that without Christ I do not really know love and I would even venture to say that apart from Christ I dont even know true love. I am the branch he is my root, if fruit is to grow from my life it first has to be rooted deep into God's love, mercy and grace leaving a direct route for the light of the Spirit to pour out on the world around me. So to answer the Peas question the love is in Christ.

I realize that I may be foolish for taking on a topic like love but this topic has been on my heart for the last few weeks, however one thing I am being reminded about from my girl is that it should be on my heart all the time.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." - 1Cor - 13:4-7