So Much to be Thankful For!

I love Thanksgiving, it is probably my favorite holiday because of the simple fact that it is based off of gratitude. Its not selfish...besides stuffing your face, its not commercialized and it is simply families getting together to enjoy one another and eat some great food. For me personally I love how the holiday always sends me internal reflecting on all the things I am grateful for in my life.

I am thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, his whole life dedicated in his love for us so that we may know life and life eternal with him. I am thankful that not only has he saved my life, but he is also transforming it daily, shaping and molding me into a man fit to serve him and those around me. I am thankful that God has given us things like the Word, prayer and fellowship, all vital to my spirtual formation, the building of Faith, and understanding of Him and his ways. The past three years of walking with Him has been the most amazing, crazy thing ever and I look forward to a future of serving and loving Him.

I am extremly thankful this year for being blessed in finding a wife!! I am so thankful for my fiancee, she is an amazing woman who has stepped into my life and captivated my heart! Her love is amazing and I am so thankful that I am a the man who gets to experience that, it truly is a blessing. I love how being with her pushes me to want to be a better man, to move forward spiritually, to open my mind to other things. She challenges me and I love it, Christ is clearly using her to grow me and I hope I have the same effect on her. I am thankful for her son and my soon to be step son Andrew. It is amazing what a grown man can learn from an 8-year old boy, he has shown me soo much, specifically on what it means to love unselfishly. He has brought much joy in my life and oddly enough its the little things that have the largest impact on me. It is my hope and prayer that I will be a good man for him in the future and a good example of a spiritual man.

Lastly but not anywhere near the end of my thankful list is family and freinds. There is no question that I would not be where I am today had I not been blessed with the family I have. My mother and father have supported me through amazingly dark times in my life, when I couldnt even believe in myself they did. They continue to support me today and I know I can go to the with anything and they would be there for me, that is truly a great feeling. I am thankful for my brother and sister in law, my brother showed me what it means to be a man, to work hard, to be a good husband and father. He is truly a great man and he and his wife put up with me for quite awhile and I am thankful they loved me through it. I am thankful for all my family they are great people who I love very much, who believe in me even when I cant. Also, for my niece and nephew who prayed for me long before I knew the Lord, it worked! I am thankful for y sister because she is an awesome woman!

There is much to be thankful for in my life, it has gone through a reconstructive surgery the past three years, it truly is amazing. I am thankful that Christ is there and working when we cant even see or detect him because I have found that he has been working a mighty thing through subtle variances in my life and for that I am thankful. 

F.E.A.R

Face Everything And Recover, I heard this the other day at my home metting of Alcoholics Anoynomous for the first time ever since being in the rooms of alcoholics anoynomous. Of course I have heard many other acronyms for the great feeling/reaction of fear, one that I used to live my life by is Forget Everything And Run. Fear or my lack of ability to handle it properly played a huge role in my life and continues to be a huge part of my spiritual formation today. When I was drinking and in the depths of my alcoholism fear is what drived my  lack of motivation to try and help myself. When I was drinking I was fearless, alcohol allowed me to escape from my fellings of worthlessness, low esteem, shame and guilt, into another realm of existence where I did not have those things pulling me down. In a sense I had a fear of my feelings, I had no clue how to manage my own feelings in a natural beneficial way, the only way I knew to handle them was to get wasted. So as you can imagine this made it very difficult for me to succeed in trying to stay sober on my own accord. Everytime I tried to get sober the feelings would just come crashing back in, all the fearful thoughts like "what if I am alone?", "what if I cant mix with a non alcoholic crowd?", "what if I fail again? Just like I always do?", What if someone finds out about my past?" These and a million other thoughts and fears would come crashing in causing me to run straight back to the party life in order to escape my fears yet again. After the cycle repeated itself again and again I thought it futile to even try and fight and figured I had been doomed to this life I had chosen for myself.

This was as far from the truth as could be and in fact it was at this low spot in my life that for the first time in my life I was at a place where I realized I was completely powerless over my ability to do the right thing. This is where God needed me to be in order that I may fully trust him and his work in my life...It was like in the movies where the hero comes in and says, "If you want to live, come with me." Only with Jesus it is "If you want to live have faith in me," from hope came faith and through faith came the ability to face my fears and actually do the right thing when faced with choices. I didnt even realize it, but this faith carried me through prison crashing through fears and adversity, things that would normally make me crumble were being faced and dealt with, the beauty of it was all I was doing was walking in faith and doing the next right indicated thing. It wasnt until I was out of prison and on my sixth step that I would have my first realized bout with facing my deep fears. I had many small bouts before this one but this one would be the one that changed my life, where I would learn the lesson face everything and recover.

Step 6 says: "We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character." At this time I had my defects of character listed and fresh on my mind from my fouth and fifth step, I was praying to God daily to help remove these defects and reveal to me any others that I had missed. However in the midst of all this I felt very unhappy and depressed about recovery, it was like I was at this point where I was either going to buy into this thing fully or do it my own way. I think I feared completly letting go of the old Richard, there was a big part of me that feared where this life would lead me, what it would turn me into and who I would become.  My character defect fear reared its ugly head and again I was allowing my own understanding and perceptions to govern what I thought was right. It was at this point where God came pounding through in my heart and prayers showing me that I had to crash through the fears and TRUST!! He was not letting me go and I felt this overwhelming feeling that I just had to step out yet again and trust God and his direction and care. I did then and I contnue to do the same thing everyday, I have learned that in facing my fears my faith in Christ is bolstered and through those encounters something is always revealed to me about who I am.

So today I dont walk in fear I walk in faith, knowing that whatever life throws at me isnt an opportunity to run but an opportunity to embrace and grow with Christ. One of my favorite books in the bible is 1Peter and my all time favorite set of verses which I'll end with that relates completly to this topic is 1Peter 1:3-10, in verses 6-9 Peter says:

"⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I am this big and God is THIS BIG!!

One of the greatest things I have experienced in my Christian walk is when I am humbeled by the Lord.  He is so gentle and so subtle in the ways in which he shows me that just when I think I have something figured out I will learn the opposite. For instance, I used to always be skeptical of people who would meet someone, date for awhile and then be married within a year. Then, when you would ask them about it all they would say is, "when you know," I what does that mean! right!? Well...here I sit engaged within two months and scheduled to be married before a year, 10 months to be exact. All I can say to this is when you know you know lol!! It is just amazing how the Lord will use real life situations to show me exactly how things are and how little I am. Another favorite of mine is when I am reading a book like the bible or listening to a preacher or speaker, when some little bit of truth cuts through all the stuff rolling around in my head and reveals to me this path that God has been tenderly leading me on. Eventhough along that path I had faced some really hard times, in the end it worked for the good. Its like a whole other aspect I didnt even see is revealed to me about a situation and I am reminded again at just how BIG! God is. Yet in his omnimpotence and omniprescence I still significantly matter to God and he loves me. I find such comfort in being able to trust God in that way, I know that through whatever I can hold onto my faith knowing that in whatever trials or storms I face I can find peace, serenity and rejoice in him.

Anyway I kind of got off the thought I really wanted to try and get out here. When these situations arise in my walk I notice on really major theme, I relied on my own understanding. Who am I to say that God could not bring two people together and place an amazing love in each of their hearts to a point of marriage. Who am I to allow my own perceptions, my own feelings about a situation govern my thoughts and ideas to a point where I have already come to a comclusion on how its all going to end or be. The answer is I am not God. When I allow myself to do this I am no longer trusting in God but I am trusting on my own understanding, then you know what happens to me? I, whether I know it or not, react in a way that is totally orchestrated with how I view or perceive the situation being or ending. Which is totally ridiculous sometimes because I am human I can only see things as they are right now, I do not have the ability God does to be able to hold life like a jeweler would a diamond and see and understand all the any facets of it. It is at these times where I can be treading in deep water if my motives and spiritual condition is not focused on the kingdom but is focused on Richard. It is where the dance of spiritual practices such as scripture, prayer and fellowship come in to try the best I can enable my will with that of God's. To be singing in the same tune of the spirit, so that God doesnt have to reach out and hit me with a 2x4 but instead just guides and finds me obediently following not thinking.

"So Abraham rose early in the morning . . . and went to the place of which God had told him" ( Genesis 22:3 ). Oh, the wonderful simplicity of Abraham! When God spoke, he did not "confer with flesh and blood" ( Galatians 1:16 ). Beware when you want to "confer with flesh and blood" or even your own thoughts, insights, or understandings— anything that is not based on your personal relationship with God. These are all things that compete with and hinder obedience to God.

-Oswald Chambers

My Utmost For His Highest

Let Go & Let God.

"Let go and let God," a phrase that I hear numerous times in the rooms of AA and Celebrate Recovery.  Its a phrase that has stuck with me and I have often found myself having to pull it out to beat back the stinking thinking or future tripping that often goes on in my head.  Either I am way out in the future thinking about things that may never happen, based off a set of circumstances that are likely impossible, or I am dwelling on how I treated that one person or could of acted differently in this situation or I cant believe I was treated this way.  Where its good to be reflective and look at my actions so that I can take them to God in prayer, its not good when I allow these things to take over my mind to a point where they are having an impact on my emotions and altering how I react to situations and my relationships with others. If I allow these things to go this far the end result is usually me finding myself on my knees humbly at the cross in repentance praying for grace and guidance on how to not find myself in this position again.  Usually I reflect back at this point and see that most of the episodes often when I am not practicing the spiritual deiciplines that the bible so clearly states are vital to the transforming walk with Christ. Either I have not taking the time to pray and focus my thoughts on God, that which is holy and pure, or I have been slacking on my reading and studying of the scriptures, or I have withdrawn myself from fellowship with my accountability partners in the programs or my small groups at church. All these things are so vital to my life and spiritual well being, and I know that if any one of them fall to the way side I am opening myself up to a whole realm of horrible thinking and actions.  The walk of faith never ceases to amaze me...its like I know what has to be done and what I have to do in order to stay healthy and what do I do?! The exact opposite lol! However it has gotten better over time only by the grace of God and alot of transforming work by Christ.  So let go and let God always reminds me that the most important thing in my life is my relationship with Christ, from it all things flow, he is the rock, the wellspring, and in practicing the spiritual disciplines the roots of my faith extend deeper into that rock and draw more and more from that wellspring allowing the work of Christ to pour into and out of me freely.

But what of the person that doesent know Christ. This topic came up in the rooms of AA here recently and it had me thinking about those who dont know God. I can see how this phrase would work in church or in Celebrate Recovery but what about to the non believer? The one who doesnt believe in the strength and goodness of God? The one who relies on their own strength or the strength of other worldly things. Can these people with "higher powers" other than the one true God actually be able to "let go and let God"? How can you let go to a doorknob...or your family...I just cant see how it would work. A doorknob is not powerful and in fact it takes my strength to make it work...and my kid or any other person is human and subject to failure just like me plus they look to me for provision and guidance, so how can they help me through these things? The truth is they cant, we may be able to let something go but if we are non believers we are truly missing out on the beauty of the wholephrase which is letting God. Because only God is sovereign and good. So only when we give it to him can we have full assurance, whether the out come be good or bad it happened exactly how it was supposed to and in the end all together good...even if I cant see it.

Thats the power of faith in Christ and why Christianity is a faith and not a religion of works or deeds.

Exciting News!

What a crazy week!! From family being in town and work being absolutely nuts, which is a tremendous blessing in times like these, this week has been actioned packed! The definite topper of the week is that on Monday my girlfreind and I got engaged to be married! It seems like all week has been a blur since that event and just now is the dust starting to settle to a point where I can sit down and chat a little bit.


I am thankful that admist the chaos I have been somewhat capable of keeping a sound mind and have been heavily reflecting on the latest change in my life. I know for me events like these just seem to bring reflection on heavy and I often find myself deeply thinking about it all. The most apparent thing that became clear to me in my thoughts is the transforming and restorative work of Christ in two peoples lives. I dont want to divulge the details of my bride to be's life, but just like me, with Christ's loving care and guidance she has overcome many trials. Through the many struggles of her life up to this point the faith that has been refined by them is apparent and interwoven into who she is, it just floors me that I have been blessed with such a wonderful gift!


It really floors me to look at my own life up to this point, to think that three years ago I was being released from jail for the 5th time in 10 years! In no way did I think I would end up where I am...engaged to this amazing woman...I didnt even believe in marriage four years ago, that didnt come until I was shown a whole new life that is the Christian faith. I by no means deserve this life and prior to faith I viewed myself as unworthy of God, I mean why would he want apart of horrible, sinful me? Well thats just what the opposition of all that is good wanted me to believe! When that is as far as the truth as possible! God wants me just as I was, all broken and dirty, beat up by the world and constant failure. He grasped me in his arms, cleansed me in his sacrifice releasing my past unto him so I no longer had to be in bondage to it; then he placed his spirit in my heart his word in my hands and said live my son and love me with all your heart and all things good will come from this love.


Two months ago I found myself having to be told this once again, which happens often I have found...I am a slow learner. Anyways I found myself praying to God for guidance of whether or not I should ask my fiancee out to coffee. I came to him in a spirit of inadequacy, I was questioning whether or not a woman as amazing as this would be able to love me. I continued in prayer for the next week and the Spirit continued to reveal that in fact I was worthy, and that I am no longer defined by that past but by Jesus Christ and through him all things are possible. So I did it, I asked her out to coffee....


Now two months later we are engaged to be married! Its like a giant piece of the puzzle has been placed and I am left here going WOW! God you are amazing. I am such a blessed man.


I guess I sit here and blog this to share a victory of course, but also in hopes that if your still reading this that some piece of truth about Christs work in my life has pulled on your heart strings maybe leaving you questioning areas of your life. I just want you to know that it is possible and you are deserving.

A Fellowship: Part I

I love being happy, today is just one of those days where I went to work and nothing crazy happened, everything was smooth operating. I was able to pause at work during lunch and have a fantastic conversation with someone very close to me. Then after returning to work I had a great conversation with my boss, who always gives me a good laugh and inspired attitude...and no I dont think he reads this! lol! Not to mention its Friday and I look forward to a night spent with good fellowship and food...which to me is always a great thing...I like food! I think the real kicker has got to be this action packed fun weekend planned, filled with family and freinds just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I am so thankful for the fantastic people God has placed around me the past couple of years, all of which have been so instrumental in bringing me where I am today and have all pitched in in teaching me about life.

There are two things that are always said in AA and Celebrate Recovery one is that the programs are programs of action and two the programs are not "I" programs but "WE" programs. The founders of these programs realized in the very beginning that recovery cannot be had on our own will power, we had to put our faith in God and the people in these programs that had what every broken person wants...freedom from the results of that brokeness. I find this extremely true because I cant tell you how many times I tried to abstain from a variety of things on my own accord to quickly find myself failing yet again. When I came into these programs I quickly found fellowship among those who were alot like me that I could relate to in a variety of ways. I started to call these people and to hang out with these people and by the grace of God and strong relationships they showed me how to live a different way...a more fantastic fulfilling way might I add...really beyond my greatest idea of what the good life was or would be. I came to find out that one of the main reasons I felt the need to go out and do the things I did was because I was lonely or feared being alone, well that fear was replaced with love from God and another human being. The coolest thing about it is, now that I am on the12th step I have the great blessing of being that for another broken person just through living out my transformed life.

Ramblings of a Sick Man

I hate being sick. Today I have one of those head colds, you know the type, where your head feels like its in the clouds with earmuffs on. The kind where when you swallow your ears pop like you've driven up the face of Everest, yeah its one of those pressurized doldrums head cold. I think its kinda funny because I sort of liken myself as a fairly tough guy...I mean I can handle some pain and don't fear too many things, but when it comes to being sick I turn into quite the sissy. I know I am not the only guy who does this though, not that it makes it justified or anything...I am just saying I have seen the way some men act while being sick. Its like it gives me a reason to drop my man card and open myself up to compassion, nurturing, and loving, is this a bad thing? No, I think its okay to put the guard down and accept that someone can take care of me and that I need help and actually desire that from another human being. Is it bad that I and other men have to be in a state of weakness and discomfort before we ask for help? 

I think the answer to the question has to be yes, I dont know when or where I got this idea that I had to do everything on my own and to ask for help or to need help was somehow failing as a man. It is the most idiotic idea and it really has gotten me into some tough spots along my journey through life. I have been quick to deny help from God, family and friends in some kind of attempt to prove that I could do it myself, when in the end I was just flailing about foolishly while I continued to drown. Is this how it was all designed to be? For me, in my drowning and all my flailing about, it revealed to me why I need God and those around me all the more.

Since walking with God I see that I cant take the world on my shoulders, thats an expectation no person can bear. In the past I would see the need for help as weakness or try to place my worth as a man on whether or not I succeeded in doing on my own. In truth the weaker man is actually the one who thinks they can take on the world by themselves. It is a true test of integrity and character in a man to be able to humble himself and ask for help. Not to mention I have also heard that its pretty attractive, so just a little bonus! lol!  

I have to have humility and humbleness in all things, leaning on those around me, who in turn lean on me as we persevere through this thing that is life. In hopes that we can be a blessing to one another, while loving, singing praise and bringing Glory to our Father.