A Simple Prayer

Lord,


I know and recognize that I am sinful and that I have not lived a life guided by your truth and an honest relationship with you. I pray for your forgiveness for this; I open my heart and my life to you and your purposes. Recognizing that leaning on my own understanding and the ways of this world have lead me to numerous calamities and short fallings only showing me that in the end these were false idealologies and ficticious idols only there to fail. Lord, I place my faith firmly in you my Rock, recognizing that you are the only firm foundation amongst sinking sand. Place apon me your yoke and release from me the one that I cannot bear; release me from the resentments, shame, guilt and despair that are the results from a life lived from sin and cleanse me white as newly fallen snow! Lord, may I live in the realization that in you I am made new! My sins and past no longer define who I am for you have casted these things as far as the East is from the West! I am defined by you Lord and my relationship with you Lord! Something that nothing on earth has the power to take away, you have always been there and will always be there because your love for me knows no bounds.
    Lord help me to be reminded of who you are daily, may I look for you in everything I do. Lord may I proclaim your truth whrever I may go as a living testimony of your Grace, Love and Mercy. Lord, may you be glorified in everything I do, use me Lord just as you used the men of the Bible. Men who were not perfect, who had flaws and failings just like me, but that did not matter to you Lord because you use what is flawed to show your perfection. So Lord may I walk humbly and obediently with you so that I may be of most service to my family and the world around me. I love you Lord!

Amen

The 12th and Final

Well sadly it appears that Blogger was not able to recover my previous post from their recent crash; sad to see that work and journal entry just gone. Hmm...I guess it shows the reliability of the good old pen and paper, but then again if that would be the case I would not be able to share my experience strength and hope with the rest of the world! Not that the world is really following the blog anyways! But for those who are I am thankful and will continue on.

I am always amazed at the transformation that comes through Christ by working the 12 steps of Celebrate Recovery. I believe that the AA steps can be just as powerful as long as the PC name of "Higher Power" is the only true higher power Christ; without Christ the steps of any kind of recovery group are simply a moral and cognitive reconfiguration. Which can keep people sober I assume, however it lacks the all important  freedom of shame, guilt and oppression that so heavily burdens us from past sin. This freedom can only come from Christ, in the fifth step we release all the garbage of the past to Christ who then casts these things as far as the East is from the West, it is a complete release of sins in which millions over the last two thousand years have experienced. In the process of bearing our heart and soul to our true Counselor and Redeemer that we are made aware of his ever present love which is accompanied by his cleansing flow of grace and mercy. I have experienced this amazing spiritual experience and would equate it to a heart enema! I believe that this is the spiritual experience that the twelfth step explains in which we are born again to share this experience with others!

Everytime I look at society and even the whole world I realize just how much the rest of the world needs and cries out for this same experience! This is where the 12th step comes in, I cannot change the whole world by myself. However, God has given me a sphere of influence in which I do have an affect and therefore he does also through me. If I share my experience with others and I am obedient to practicing the principles laid out in the scriptures in all my affairs this has an impact on everyone around me. Maybe through me another hardened heart is opened to the truth of Christ and a life is transformed, well the sphere of influence just got a little bigger and it is through this process that the world is changed. Thankfully, in reading the Scriptures this morning I was able to see where I have been falling short of living the 12th step in many areas of my life. Some character defects and sins have been revealed which I have had to repent of and give over to Christ. One of the main things that I learned is that in my sphere of influence my wife and children are the ones who are closest to the core.

The Past is Daunting

I have been struggling with the past in the previous weeks...it always seems to happen when I am celebrating milestones, and on the 17th of December I celebrated four years sobriety. I think it must be something with reminiscing about the past, I am always just left in awe and amazed by the transformational work Christ has done in me. This year however is very different, I am not recalling events from the past which bring up certain feelings and emotions. I fought this for the first couple years of my sobriety and quickly learned to rebuke these feelings and take ownership of the power of Christ in me which releases me from the burden of the past.  Whats different this year, is that my thoughts and feelings seemed to be more collectively focused on certain people from the past rather than events and situations.


This new development has left me seeking God through prayer and meditation trying to gain understanding of what this may mean, and what action is needed on my part. Its odd, but I get a sense that it may be an indication that it is time to possibly reach out to these "freinds" and reconnect with them. I know that there are a few ammends still left to be made to a couple of these individuals so maybe an opportune time will present itself soon. So, eventhough I am optimistic about the opportunities that are soon to come, I am also apprehensive about the kinds of things within that will be stirred up. However, I know that Christ has brought me to where I am in life with all my past experiences and present experiences building me up in the faith enabling me to more efficiently minister and have an effect on those in my sphere of influence.


 Up to now I have pretty much disconnected from the past and surrounded myself with people strong in the faith and strong in recovery...I guess you could say "running with the pack". I know also that this in not excatly the calling of a Christian, we are to build one another up, love one another, and sing praises together; at the same point however it is not the healthy that are in need of a physician. I see this present stirring of feelings as a sort of nudge to get out in the community and let the light of what Jesus has done in my life shine onto those who are in the darkness. People I truly love and care about, ones who my heart utterly breaks for because I know all to well the struggles and toils they face in life. I think that I had to have the last four years the way they were so that Jesus could take me and form me into the man he needs me to be, now it is time to step out and share this with others. I love the Christian walk and the walk of recovery, with every season of life comes an opportunity to grow and an opportunity to branch out.

Honesty, Openess & Willingness: Part Two Honesty With Others

Honesty with others...I love this part! For me it was such a freeing experience to know that my past, what others might think of me and my own personal image no longer define me. Today it is my faith in Jesus Christ that truly sets me fee from these things, I realize today that my weaknesses and strengths all come from how he created me. I no longer have to fit in this framework of what the world tells me I should be, what I should have, or what I should think. Its just to hard just to much maitenance, no matter what expectation I try to live to or what next best thing I try it all fails me.  I have found that when I can embrace who I am in Christ and how he created me to be I am the most service to him and my fellow brother and sister.

Today I really try to remember that my past life of drinking, drugging, partying, etc...is not what makes me who I am today nor does it dictate to me the kind of future I have in front of me. My past is for Jesus a tool for me to relate to and have empathy for the person who is also in the same spot. My colorful past is just a testimony to how the love, grace and salvation that comes from the gospel changes the worst of sinners heart righting them on a path of life they never thought imaginable. I share my past openly and honestly today with anyone, I have found that it not only releases any power those things have over me but it also leads to people feeling comfortable enough to share about victories and obstacles in their lives as well. It creates a transparency with another person that allows me to take the relationship to a whole other level of openness.

Perhaps the hardest part of openness with others for me is the whole admitting when I'm wrong or struggling part. My pride and ego hate this, but its a good thing to be humbled and I have pretty much gotten comfortable being in the humbled state, I am not saying that to brag but because it feels like I have to apologize quite a bit. See, I have a brain, and I have a mouth and sometimes the filter between the two doesn't work fast enough. I often find myself apologizing for saying something I probably shouldn't have, usually the other party is like what are you talking about? But I gotta share whats on my heart...I do not like carrying that stuff around in there...it sucks! I gotta get it off my chest, pray for forgiveness and awareness and keep moving forward. Now not only do I have to admit when I am wrong but I have to also admit when my butt is falling off onto the ground, for me this doesn't just mean struggling with some aspect of life but I have to let people know when I feel hurt or feel upset. Again for me these things tear me up inside and if I don't handle them properly they lead to me dwelling and constantly thinking about them which then leads to resentment. The same is true with struggling, if something has got me down I am quick to offload it first to Jesus and then to someone else in my network of friends and family. It releases all power its holding on within me and I keep moving forward...sometimes I am back in prayer or on the phone again in an hour but I just cant hold onto that stuff...its spiritually draining.

Anyway thats my experience with openness with others, I thank God for the relationships I have today which the other person and I share this kind of openness. I really think that it was how God designed them to be and in the middle of them is a deep relationship that is beneficial to both persons. I Love It!

Honesty, Openess & Willingness: Part One Honesty With God.

It is said in the rooms of AA and CR all the time and I really believe that they are a key to sobriety and even life in general. I have been away from the keyboard lately...wedding planning is crazy! Not to mention life is really good right now and I rejoice in that because so often the hard times are all we talk about but the good times should be celebrated also. In the next couple of blogs I will spell out what this statement means to me one word at a time, and hopefully at the end there will be a beautiful set of three well written and thought out bloggs that may be a point of experience, strength and hope for another person. Ha! Okay just the experience, strength and hope part then! I think I will start off with honesty.

Rigorous honesty with God, myself and my fellows is the only way that I can be happy in sobriety and in life in general for that matter. I have tried living a life full of lies and have found that it was completly exhausting and a terrible burden no one should have to bear. This was the first thing Jesus addressed in my life after turning to him. His truths that I read in the Bible were like a searchlight to my soul revealing all the lies I had bought into, this continues still everyday. I find myself today just as I was three years ago as a new believer in Christ constantly going to Christ seeking his forgiveness. Martin Luther said a Christians life is one of repentance, I think this is absolutely correct and it is the path in which I open myself up to God in honesty. Im not repenting because I broke some rule but because I realize that I am in no way perfect and that I am costantly dealing with issues related to my pride, ego, anger, etc...etc...Its in this honesty with God that I am built up in faith because I feel and know that he is a God of grace and he casts my sin as far as the East is from the West so that its shame and guilt well not be there to pull me down. This in turn builds my faith and the reassurance in knowing that I can live in this world but not be conformed I am only formed by my relationship with Christ. This is the freedom I gain in walking honestly with Christ, its foolish to think that I can hide anything from him anyway but in doing so I am also carrying the burden of that lie with no one to give it to which gives all the power and control to that one lie and no worldly power can relieve me from that, forgiveness and rightousness only comes from Christ.

By His Grace

What a great Christmas! Its a crazy time of the year, this year was especially crazy for me as I got the blessing to be able to spend it with my fiancee and step son as well as her family. I have been meaning to get on and blogg for quite sometime now but just havent gotten the opportunity. I am happy to finally be back at the keyboard to report that on the 17th of Decmber I celebrated three years of sobriety. Sobriety birthdays are always fun and for me the whole month surrounding them is just kind of a rollercoaster filled with thankfulness, gratitude and deep reflection. So...throw this in with the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ who is the only reason I am where I am, it makes for one humbling gratitude filled month! Its crazy to look at where I was just three years ago and where I am now thanks to Jesus and his work on the cross and in me.

Its always easy for me to remember that Christmas season three years ago and I never want to, because it always humbles and fills me with faith and love for Jesus. I was arrested on the 17th for my fourth DUI, bailed out on the 19th, then had to immediately go turn myself in on a probation violation in another county, g to court the next morning then get bailed out for that. so by the 20th of December I was out of jail until my hearings. I was so fearful, so hopeless, I remember celebrating Christmas...if you want to call it that. I was in a deep depression, full of despair and fear not really wanting to leave the house as I tried to figure out what a life without alcohol looked like. I just remember stting with my family not really knowing when I would spend Christmas with them again.

These feelings went on for the next five months until I found myself in a jail cell with a Holy Bible in my hands seeking anything that resembled an answer. It was when my heart was in that condition when my mind was filled with nothing but lies was my soul awakened to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Truth came beaming in and permeating everything I did...I was being transformed just as I am today. I was with my family the very next Christmas rejoicing and celebrating in the glory of Christ coming to die for us so that we, so that I may know life away from the bondage of sin and lies.

Fellowship: Part II

Well fellowship again has been on my heart over the past few weeks and I figured that meant it would be a good time to wrap up my thoughts on fellowship. Its probably about time because the topic has been left open for a month or so now, not that people are nit hanging on the edge of their seat to get it because I think only five people read this. Which is perfectly fine by me, I started the blog simply because it was on my heart for a long time, until one day I acted on it and now three months later hear I am. Pretty cool, anyways I should probably get on topic here. Fellowship, over the past few weeks it has been amazing to me to think about how much fellowship means to me and how it has gradually and sometimes suddenly changed my life. As you will read in Fellowship I my whole idea of fellowship was based around partying and belonging. I didnt want anyone too close I always kept them at a arms distance never opening up who I really was for fear of failure or rejection.

Today I see fellowship as a much more different thing...I love being in the rooms of A.A. or C.R. and seeing new comers or people who ask for help being swarmed after meetings by smiling faces and open arms. A place where true relation happens, hopefully this happens not because the person offering feels obligated or is forcing it but because there is a understanding or apathy for where that person is, because they have been there worked through it and came through stronger with more understanding.  I truly believe that these things are the scars and thorns we have to be willing to share and open up about to others to show the glory of Christ's work within us. This is why personal testimonies are so powerful, we can relate to and meet these people sharing about their lives exactly where they are. We can share with them about those emotions that they are feeling during those really hard moments because we have those emotions and feelings too! Yet they have overcomed and have actually come to terms enough with their past to be able to share about it in hopes that another wont walk down their road. I see this everyday in the rooms of A.A. and C.R. and what it creates is a breeding ground for fellowsip to happen and be facilitated. There is true beauty in seeing someone who is broken and beatdown realize that they are not alone and in fact many others struggle with the exact very same thing and have moved on from it...being able to see someone who has what we have and be willing to do what we have to do to get it. The first step: Realizing that I have a problem.

I have a big problem and the problem is me. It truly is a miracle of God that I am where I am today because in all honesty I should have died quite a few times in my life. I had problems, problems I thought were mine and only mine, well thats not true they are God's all God's because he has taken a life full of darkness, sadness and despair and shone a light and given a reason and a will to live within me. Part of life for me now is living like an open book, I have to admit my mistakes, when I am wrong and quickly make ammends to those I have hurt. Not only do I do these things but I also stay open about my past and where I have been because I believe that fellowship with another human being begins with honesty and relation. These things cannot happen without me being willing to share who I am....who I really am with another human being. As a Christian, sober person, recovery person, it is in these times when I do the aformentioned things I feel God's transformative work in my life being used to bless another paerson...Its amazing!!